We are never ever getting back together…or are we? Boys, a thing or two about us girls :-)

I heard this week that Taylor Swift’s newly released song ‘We are never ever getting back together’ looks set to break Lady Gaga’s record on iTunes for the the biggest debut for a digital song by a female artist, at the rate that it is being downloaded.

I also heard a female radio announcer comment (only half-jokingly) that ‘it’s because so many of us girls are sooo bitter’…and The Examiner online notes that “by penning songs about her failed romances, and there have been many, Swift’s songs have become anthems for young women scorned.”

I suspect that perhaps, it’s not just women who come out of relationships so much worse for wear.  Although I’m sure the boys would never admit to it (especially not the Kiwi ones! Ha) I’m guessing that the male of a species may also be susceptible to a badly broken heart if it’s entrusted to a woman who doesn’t value it.

Wow.  Such an interesting commentary on our relationship culture.  That it appears to have resulted in so many people who find themselves coming out of relationship experiences traumatised, heartbroken or worse – time and time again.  And again.  And again.  To the point where so many identify with songs like this and it resonates so strongly that it takes iTunes by storm.

I wonder, why has this become so commonplace?  So, well, normal?  That getting our hearts broken multiple times over a series of relationship experiences seems to be par-for-the-course?  A rite of passage of some kind? The end result being at least a couple of generations so far, of walking wounded…sometimes never-married, sometimes unhappily-married, sometimes divorced…who seem to have it all together on the outside, but on the inside are often carrying a world of unresolved hurt that only serves to hold them back, and that they carry sometimes for years or even decades.

I can’t speak for men.  But I can speak for women.  Well, some women anyway.  The old-fashioned ones 🙂 I’ve kind of been there, just once or twice.  And I’ve also sat across a cafe table from many a beautiful-hearted young woman who has just had her heart freshly broken by an often well-meaning guy who she mistakenly thought might have been ‘the one’.

I’ve also heard many a frustrated male lament the state of women today.  That women are so hardened, so tough, so much like men, that no wonder they are single, why would any man want to seriously commit to them and be with them.  Ouch!  But as with anything, there is always more to it than that.  In my experience, things are never, ever, ever what they seem at first.

So guys, before you conclude (like the female radio announcer) that this Taylor Swift download phenomenon is actually just the result of a planet full of bitter, hardened women and girls, please, hear me out.

You see guys, here’s the thing.  Here’s what makes us girls tick.  No matter what kind of a brave face you’re presented with, no matter what kind of ‘bravado’ you might perceive, no matter how independent she looks, no matter how fancy her job title, no matter how massive her wardrobe, no matter how fearsome her shoe collection, no matter what she says (and be aware that she will probably talk a good game), no matter how loudly she plays songs like ‘We are never ever getting back together’ on repeat – pretty much every girl, if she’s really really honest with herself and with you, well, she just wants to love and be loved.  She’s actually not that complicated.  You see, that’s how we’re wired, us girls.

So us girls, we have these hearts in us.  They are extremely precious things, our hearts.  Not to be trifled with.  They start out as lovely, soft, tender hearts.  They start out hoping, believing and trusting that we will, yes we will, we will meet a wonderful man and he will love us with all his heart and we will live happily ever after.  We know that we should know better than to get sucked in by all that fairy-tale stuff and that we really should just get real and learn how to change our own tyres and mow our own lawns.  But a part of us, well, a part of us can’t help but be drawn to it, this dream of true love and happily ever after.

And because we’re wired to love and be loved, we do have a tendency to give our hearts away maybe a little too quickly, before we’ve done due diligence on a guy, so to speak. (‘Due diligence?!’ You can take the girl out of the boardroom…)  So anyway sometimes, we make a bad call.  We fall in love with and give our hearts to someone who, in all honesty, actually, doesn’t value or appreciate it.  And when someone doesn’t value or appreciate something, it’s easy to cast it aside.

Problem is, when us girls entrust our hearts to a man who rejects it, it kind of hurts.  Like, really really really hurts.  Like, stop-eating-for-a-month kind of hurt. We-are-never-ever-getting-back-together-on-repeat kind of hurt. Epic, epic hurt.  You get the gist.

And when any of us gets hurt, our natural response is to put up walls to protect ourselves from hurt when a similar situation arises in future.  It’s the heart’s natural defense mechanism.  The first time we get our hearts broken, we lay one little line of bricks at the base of what will be our wall.  Then we pick ourselves up, get back into life, meet someone else and if that ends in heartbreak too, we lay another layer of bricks on our wall.  And so on and so on. After a few of these heartbreaks and disappointments, what happens is that this woman who started out as a young soft-hearted girl just wanting to love and be loved, well she’s got walls up so high that the safest thing for her to do after a while is to act like she doesn’t care, like it doesn’t matter anyway.  Even if she does get into a relationship she’s never going to give it her all, and as a result it will invariably not work out. So she has to get with the program and toughen up.

So guys, what you see at the end of all that, is what looks like a hard, cynical, bitter woman.  But guys, in all likelihood what she actually is, is just a soft-hearted girl who got herself hurt a few too many times and she hasn’t quite recovered from it yet.

Now, please allow me to put a proviso on this.  Girls – the only real antidote to waking up one day and realising that life’s hurts have hardened us into the kind of woman described above, is forgiveness.  Total, complete, unreserved, unconditional forgiveness from the heart.  Please, please, please – whatever you do, please don’t let bitterness win.  It’s so not worth it.  And you deserve so much better than that.  No matter what has happened, no matter what he said or did, you don’t have to carry it.  It’s not yours.  Forgive, let it go, wish him all the best, and move on into all the blessings and love that I know God wants to bring your way.

So anyway – guys..the next time you come across a girl/woman who seems to be hardened or cynical or bitter, who loves to make fun of men or play Taylor Swift post-relationship anthems…please remember that things are not what they seem.  She’s in there somewhere behind those layers of bricks, smart one-liners and witty wisecracks…the real her.  The soft-hearted girl.  So don’t be fooled.  She may well be the love of your life, cleverly disguised as one tough little cookie.  And you wouldn’t want to let the love of your life get away now, would you?

I’m just sayin’ 🙂

2 thoughts on “We are never ever getting back together…or are we? Boys, a thing or two about us girls :-)

    • I believe it is possible to knock that wall down – but as you say it’s not easy, because it goes against every instinctive self-protective response that typically follows any kind of wound…


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