Date: Thursday 26 February, 2015
Location: Auckland CBD
OMG. I can’t believe I’m doing this. Big envelope in clammy hand. A bound and printed copy of all 10 posts about How Glo Got Her Groove Back inside.
And a personal note.
To Contestant Number 10.
Once My Ardent Pursuer. Once My Sweetheart. Always My First Love. Not quite sure what to call him now.
Am I freaking crazy? Why am I doing this?! What on earth has possessed me to do this?
We finished more than 6 months ago. He could have totally moved on and maybe even be married or living with someone in that time. Who knows? Anything’s possible. We have had no contact at all.
But since I wrote those blog posts a couple of months ago…especially the last few about Contestant Number 10…so many people reached out to me afterwards to say such beautiful, encouraging things – that what I wrote, so many parts of it resonated. Being shut down. Being afraid of getting hurt. Choosing change. Choosing a different path, even as the status quo would have been so much easier. Learning to overcome fear and learning to trust, to take risks. Learning about love. Saying No More to letting myself be cheated out of my best life. Going after my best life. Fighting for my best life. The one I was born for.
And even though the specifics of my story were so unique, my desire for my life, for more, for better – that was not unique. That is our humanity. We all want that.
The people who wrote to me after those blog posts said that they saw life in my story, in my words, even in the cheeky way I wrote some of those words. They saw themselves in some of my words, and they felt less alone. More understood. That was what I’d always wanted. To speak true words that bring true life.
And I thought, gosh, if so many people received something like that just by reading that story, what if I shared that with Contestant Number 10, who was such a significant part of that story?
What if, sharing those true words with him, would bring something for him? I read those posts over. And I wondered, did he realize how much he had done for me, how much he had opened my heart, how much of his true heart I actually saw?
Did he realize what an amazing person he really was?
Did he come away thinking he had almost destroyed me? When in actual fact, he gave me such a wonderful glimpse into his heart, into what real love could be. And I came away more determined than ever to Get My Life. To be loved well. If not by him, then I knew now, I knew I deserved to be loved, and loved well. And I knew I would be loved well. And that I was also capable of loving, and loving well.
All because of my experience with him. What an incredible gift.
Walking into the post office. Feeling very very light-headed. Feeling like I am going to faint.
No one in the entire world knows what I am about to do.
If any of my friends knew I was doing this, they would have immediately staged an intervention – they would have told me I was insane, what was I thinking, we broke up more than 6 months ago, he’s probably totally forgotten about me and is back out there and has probably dated how many other women since then, he won’t be giving me any thought and here I am writing entire blog posts about him, what is that, that is freaking crazy, that’s what that is. And if I send this to him, he will just throw it away anyway and think it’s ridiculous, it won’t mean anything to him, and he will just think I’m a total nut job.
They would say don’t do it girlfriend. Don’t you have any pride?
Still feeling light-headed. Standing in front of the post box. Did I have the right address? What if I send it to the wrong apartment number and some random person ended up reading this? What if he’d moved somewhere else anyway? What if it got lost in the post? Or even scarier, OMG, what if it actually got to him?!
Omigod, omigod, omigod. What. Am. I. Doing?! What do I expect to come of this? Do I expect him to read it and laugh and cry through it the way others had laughed and cried through it with me, and to contact me and say let’s try again? Am I so naïve?! Am I that much of a hopeless romantic?! Am I that ridiculous? Whatever happened to being hard and cynical and acting like I don’t care? Oh, that’s right, I never want to be hard and cynical and I never want to act like I don’t care when I really do. And when it comes to Contestant Number 10, I care. I really do.
But I can’t have any expectations. In the note, I didn’t ask him to contact me, even though I do miss him so much. But we ended things. We. Ended. Things.
I just know that I want him to know. What an incredible gift he was to me. And for that to give him some peace of mind. And an understanding of who he is. That he was a catalyst for some wonderful growth and healing in another person. And that other person appreciates that, so very much.
OMG! It’s gone. It’s in the post box. What have I done?!
Such a girlish, hopeless, romantic. Thinking that life and love is like a romantic movie where love conquers all and everyone lives happily ever after.
Oh well. It’s done now.
I hope he sees it as a gift to him. But if he doesn’t, at least I have reached out and tried to let him know. I can’t do anything about his response. But I know, I’ve sent it with the truest of intentions. To bring something good to him, and not to harm him.
This seems crazy. But it could be inspired. Actually, it’s probably a bit of both. I’m actually OK with that. This being both.
Daddy God You know my heart. Hold my hand and hold my heart and show me where to go from here to find the life and the love that I know You have always wanted for me.
I’m so glad that I’m Your girl.